“Been traveling in packs that I can’t carry anymore
Been waiting for somebody else to carry me
There’s nothing else there for me at my door
All the people I know aren’t who they used to be
And if I try to change my life one more day
There would be nobody else to save
And I can’t change into a person I don’t wanna be, so
Oh, it’s Saturday night, yeah”
– Say Amen (Saturday Night), ‘Panic! At The Disco’
Something tells me that Brendon Urie and I could split a bottle of something fierce and have a few tales to commiserate over together. Soft hearts and electric souls indeed.
I’m done blaming myself for plans that didn’t pan out with friends; if all that came from moving to Philly was finding my True Love, it was more than worth it. I have found happiness with my family and a few good friends I have made out here; the time to dwell on the past has past. My new life with my lovely bride is more than I could have ever asked for.
In a frank moment of sheer unexpected reflection; Liz shared with me a journal entry she found while looking for paper (to write me a love letter no less). I had jotted into a random notebook back in 2007 after I separated from my 1st wife, Little Jen. I clung to the hope that things would work out with my former mate Caz; despite her needing to work things out with her present husband at the time, Kyle. I was broken, desperate, and husk of a dreamer.
I wanted so badly to travel back to that man, to let him know that things would pan out after a very intense series of events, that would temper him into a better man. I can see him in my mind’s eye, sitting in the Major Oil dining room, a burger half finished, attempting to purge his heart and mind of such strife. A stage in my life had come to a close and I urned for some kind of continuation thereof, and briefly dreamt it could be been with someone it couldn’t.
I wouldn’t get that continuation for 10 years but they were necessary years. I still needed to grow on many levels, recover from leaving LJ, and finding my own way in the world. As far as I am concerned, they were years that I used to pay for the right to be with my True Love, as I sought to help others find their contentment and happiness until I found my own. I will not lament about the past, I’ve done that enough for quite some time. 😉
Especially since the future I have now is so brilliant and rewarding. I’ve never felt so loved, desired, or understood in my whole life with any previous partner or lover. Hands down. Though, living in Philly has been… challenging. The work culture here is needlessly pretentious and is in favor of the employer than the employee. Without extensive networking efforts, finding a good job is next to impossible. It’s disheartening and enervating. I don’t desire to live in a city that is … so full of itself. It’s simply unimpressive.
We’re putting our heads together and figuring out the next step in our lives – this isn’t something that can be maintained for the long term. If we stay, we will move out West where the trees are more plentiful and the culture more sensible. For now we scrape by, eat our well prepared food, do our yoga, and tend to the pets and plants as we thrive in our happiness. It’s a great start for a new grand adventure that makes me keeping on. 🙂
Love,
Damon.
Gilded Gibberish. 