You can’t make everybody happy; and please don’t die trying. Really.
This is a hard reality I run into all the time. I’m inherently a people pleaser, or at least I attempt to be. In great earnest, I will dive straight into someone else’s world, help them with their problems, be the person I think they need, and try to make the sun shine if possible for them. It’s noble, selfless, and frankly very detrimental.
Maybe it was all the comic books I read as a kid, maybe it was getting bullied one too many times – I hate seeing when someone is struggling or is left out. I used to throw hella crazy parties, invite so many people the email string would look like I was reciting Deuteronomy, and do my best to keep everyone having a great time when they went on. It would be exhaustive and straining but I loved seeing everyone happy. It’s not an attention thing, it’s not a pride thing, I really just want to see people happy. It’s a part of who I am as a person.
I am in the process of preparing to return to Nebraska to see as many people as possible and for many to meet my wife, Liz. In the process of setting up the events, I noticed a friend of mine wasn’t invited and realized I wasn’t friends with them on Facebook. Oh shit! I sent an apologizing but excited email, asking to be friends!
Two day later, I discovered that they not only declined me, but set it so I couldn’t ask again. Well. That’s. Fuck.
Like any raging social maven, I immediately started to dissect my interactions and why they blocked my requests. Political conflicts? They were friends with my other friends. Social conflicts? I hadn’t remember having issues with them but maybe I did and didn’t notice; my head was up my own ass for quite some time. I thought up five difference reasons, rationalized through them, even thought about asking their partner if they knew what the fuck I had done.
I finally just accepted that short of hunting them down and asking; I’m likely never going to get an answer. It’s not the first time and it is sure as sunshine won’t be the last. I’m not perfect and never will be, despite my continuous efforts to improve. I’m not pizza, I never will be. I can only be Damon, good or bad. I had to remind myself again (and likely many times again in the future) – You can’t make everybody happy – you aren’t pizza.
Ain’t nobody pizza but pizza. And truth be told, not even pizza makes everybody happy. Happiness is an internal outcome; it starts and ends there – you can’t force someone to be happy. But more importantly – you shouldn’t try to force someone into being happy or being happy with you. You might be a strong factor in a person or people being happy but it’s ultimately up to them whether they will be happy. Again with the whole, “be a good friend first” sort of approach.
Another fact I drove home is that not everyone is going to like me; it’s a tenuous goal if I can pull it off and just as fleeting. I’ve learned the hard way that you stretch yourself really thin and in the end, either break or snap in the process. Even if everyone else you are helping is happy and you aren’t, everybody is not happy – you count too. Being selfless doesn’t mean you don’t have needs, just that you are putting others before your needs. They are still there regardless.
So what can be done? It comes down to being realistic and honest with yourself and others – make promises you can keep, be honest when you can’t, and communicate. Nothing crazy or outlandish; just be honest and be clear. If you are with people who can’t appreciate this or don’t extend the same courtesy back; don’t lose your head over it. Their problems are not your circus, not your monkeys, to steal a Polish axiom. Get on with the life you have and work towards the one you want.
If you have made it this far into the blog; thank you – from the bottom of my heart. If I have done less than ideal things and made you frustrated with me at some point – truly, please let me know so I can hopefully do something about it. I believe in constructive solutions and healthy communication if at all possible. And if you are in Nebraska, I hope I get to see you Labor Day weekend.
Cheers,
D.
Gilded Gibberish. 