Oh Keisha.
It was only a week ago you passed over the rainbow bridge and it took me this long to find the emotional strength to write you a proper eulogy. I still do so with tears streaming down my face but it is worth it. My apologizes to any reader who gets confused, I wrote this through my tears.
I remember when this all started; roughly 15 years ago. I was married to Jen back then and Lily was living with us. Both were asking heavily about us getting a dog and it was unspoken that it was meant to be a precursor to Jen and I having kids. I was working two jobs at the time and was at my second job when they sent me the link for your profile; saying that you were the one they wanted.
I still can remember how I sighed; loud enough that my coworker asked what was wrong. I laughed it off, knowing the stress was getting to me. The house was costly, and I was really worried about making it all work as it was, but a dog on top of it? I remembered when I had a dog as a kid, the vet visits, the money my parents spent, but also the joy I had for having a dog. “Alright, let’s get her” was what I messaged back.
We picked you up at a rescue site that used to be a ranch. It was quite the drive and I was worried about having a larger dog inside the car with us; especially when it first met us. There were so many dogs when we pulled up; it was like visiting a dog village – they were everywhere! Were we just going to walk up to you and put a leash on you? Thankfully, our contact introduced themselves, and we were directed into a side kennel space roughly the size of a finished garage.
They brought us into the middle of the cleared space; short of a side running counter and a side door to the kennel room, it was empty. The contact explained you were running in a field, possibly shot at one point because you looked like a coyote – for some reason, it was why many people passed on you. For us, it was exactly why we wanted you. But that’s just misfits for you, we know our own.
They let you into the room to met us and you literally ran around us in circles for a few minutes. You would only briefly pause but kept pacing quickly. You weren’t interested in treats or contact; you were working the room. A stray thought came into my head and I keeled on the ground in the middle of the room, my hand outstretched and low. You caught sight of me, I swear took a right angle turn on a dime, came straight to me, and started licking my face without a care in the world.
Oh Keisha.
I insisted that I be called Alpha instead of Daddy because it made me extremely uncomfortable to hear that. In my mind, I felt we were a pack and if authoritarian roles were to be handed out, that was one I could work with. I felt terrible that we never had yard for you but at least got a static line for the back yard so you could zig back and forth. But holy shit did you love walks. We walked you constantly and I think it was one of the reasons I kept the weight off.
Thankfully, you were a great dog and we were fortunate that you almost never needed to go to the Vet. Hell, if you did, I must have already forgotten it. It was good to have a dog again; you were not the most physically affectionate dog but that did not bother me – you were simply happy to be nearby us. It was more than enough for me and having you in my life during that time meant the world to me. Always happily smiling at me from time to time, it was more than enough.
Unfortunately, Jen and I choose to separate; we had rushed into getting married and buying a house when we really should have slowed down. We really were two different people, more than we realized. She needed someone who could have kids with her and I wasn’t going to take that from her. We did our best to separate out everything and it went well for the most part, but that also included figuring out what to do with you.
I honestly did not know what to do Keish. Jen did not quite seem to bond with you as well as she had hoped but you had gotten on famously with Lily; she was in many ways your caretaker.
I am gratefully Lily was there and that you two were as bonded as you were. I knew my life as I knew it was going to change dramatically; I did not know how I was going to take care of myself or where I was going to wind up. Leaving you was another crack in my broken heart that I tucked away in a pocket when I left to start my life over again.
Oh Keisha.
It was a hard choice but the right one. My life for the next 12 years was … insane. Lily was able to give you attention and stability that I did not possess. I had to finish growing up in a lot of ways, find a way to get a college degree while working, try to hold onto a job during two recessions, and find the person I was meant to be with. I loved Jen and I was glad she had her new life, I needed to sort out mine.
I wound up in Philadelphia and found my soul mate. I had seen you and Lily on and off for years, and not nearly as much as I would have liked. Lily was very much ready for a move herself, feeling the Midwest was not home anymore. I was overly excited to have both of you move up here so I could in some ways finally have my family back together again. You made it feel like home I always wanted to have.
It was amazing to have you both here, even though 3 adults and a few pets in a two bedroom flat could get frustrating at times – but we were a family again. I wish I were more positive at times when you were around – I was stressed out for so long trying to get everything to work. It took me forever to find a decent job and by the time I was just settling out, you and Lily had to move.
Please know It was far more than I could have ever asked for. I got to spend time with you I never thought I would have again after having to lose you and I really, really appreciate that.
I really struggled with you and Lily moving out but I knew it was very necessary – Lily was able to get a reasonable commute to work (a rare privilege in this town) and you got to have a bit of yard to yourself, finally. For that alone, I was incredibly happy for both of you, that you got to have peace and feel loved to your last day on this planet. I look forward to seeing you again some day and our walks in the woods.
Please forgive me for not being as good as I could have been or given you as many walks as you wanted. I knew in my heart that you belonged in the woods, and I hope you get to finally have that now. I hope we gave you the best life you could have asked for, and that you are still with us to some degree as we learn to move on without you physically being present with us.
Oh Keisha.
I will always miss you my Ghost Dog, and I will always love you.
Till I see you again,
Yours Forever,
Alpha.
Gilded Gibberish. 