I started a new process last year about having goal directions and less concrete goals so I felt less pressured to maintain those goals and more to maintain a mentality/direction as a focus goal.
Did I have some kind of precognitive understanding that 2020 was going to be overcome with a pandemic and any concrete goals I had planned were going to be a wash? Because SHEESH.
Looking back, I know that I did my best during some crazy ass times. I didn’t work out nearly as much as I had hoped I would and that’s okay. I started writing a little more which is great, progress is progress. More important I stayed home as much as possible and kept myself and everyone around me healthy and safe for doing so. That is a damn fine win as far as I’m concerned.
This year; I do have some concrete goals in mind but I feel they are manageable ones, even and especially with the pandemic in mind as it is still quite underway (and still taking lives).
Obtaining my CSCP certification – This is the Certified Supply Chain Professional certification that would be a fair crowning jewel on my resume/CV. It would solidify my background and help me achieve the next step in my career path – becoming a Senior Supply Chain Manager or an equivocal role. It’s been a long time in the making and I’m looking forward to it.
Blog weekly on both blogs and write fiction often – This has been a struggling goal for me for a while now. I have gotten a few pieces out here and there but I’m hard prioritizing this goal because it is very emotionally fulfilling for me, even if I only get a few glances now and then. I’m going to focus on making content and at a later date, spruce up both sites.
Side note: The second blog is www.domtalos.com, which is my LGBTQAI+/kink/deviant blog if you are interested in reading it – I deliberately keep them separate so people who just want to read my SFW writing can do so comfortably and to keep those topics relevant to a singular blog site versus the rather randomness that can happen on my Gilded Gibberish page.
EXERCISE DAMNIT. I MEAN IT. – Exercise has been a challenge for me, even though I have been doing reasonably well in my mind during the pandemic. I need to deep commit to this and really push this through; I’m in my 40s now and it’s the decade of a person’s life where their health really solidifies, both on a personal culture level and endurance so I need to make this happen.
Stay in the real world and read more – It’s an odd compound goal but a sensible one. I need to make sure to talk with people more directly while also reading more (our book collection is EXTENSIVE). I say this regarding Face-spacing (staring at my phone) and not taking investment actions like talking with people directly or improving my skills/knowledge as I should be.
For now, that’s it. I am going to work on being more socially active but under the current circumstances, I’m allowing that to be a soft goal. If it can be safely done in the future, great. Getting out more would be lovely but in controlled circumstances – going camping would be EXCELLENT this summer – haven’t done that in years at this point. Continue to make excellent food and love my spouse are more every day goals though they are lovely to say in this post. 😀 ❤
Anywho, thank you folks for staying with me!! I appreciate you!!
So the steamer trunk project is something that I had been thinking about for a year; though originally it was not mine to work with – it originally belonged to my sister Lily.
Not long after we moved into our flat in Fall of 2017, the furnace went belly up and took the water heater with it. Not that big of a deal but the water heater freaked out and started just DUMPING water into the basement. There is a sump pump down there but it couldn’t keep up – the whole basement was flooded overnight and a lot of stuff had to get thrown out. It really sucked.
The steamer trunk took A LOT of water damage to it; about 2 inches worth I’d wager. The bottom was utterly a loss and as you can imagine, the musky smell in the trunk itself was… it had character.
Bottom side of the damaged trunk
Inside of the damaged trunk
It was fairly bad. Lily was put out and understandably so, she had the trunk for years. When she moved out in July of 2019, she decided to leave it behind and told me to do with it what I wanted. I poked around at it; it could be repaired if I was crazy enough to fashion a new bottom for it. I gave myself a year deadline to address it so it didn’t take up space if it needed to go.
I had planned to work on it during the Summer hours in which my spouse Liz would be working overtime. As much the pandemic made everything more challenging; interestingly enough, it all kind of fell into place. The project, as it grew and changed in it’s production, really is a series of small steps piled on top of each other. 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there; it helped give me something to focus on to stay sane when things are initializing, and I acclimated to the new… normal I guess.
A plan is formed and slowly takes action:
When I started hammering out details on how to address the steamer trunk, I knew I would need plywood for the bottom. I could go through the trouble of removing all the riveted bands attached to the bottom but sensibly they are all interlaced from its primary construction. I already had the plywood prior to the pandemic, but hadn’t cut it yet – now things were underway, I did that prior to cutting.
I next took on the crazy part of clearing out the damaged sections of the trunk and recover it. I busted out the jig saw and slowly but careful cut out the body of the bottom of the trunk. I didn’t take a picture of the debris that came from it but it was TERRIBLE. The water damage turned the bottom into paper machete tatters. All went into the trash.
Now the tentacle mural was a gift from Lily as well and it dawned on me that it might look amazing as the bottom of the trunk! I would have to cut it length wise but it was too narrow on it’s own to be a true bottom. I knew it would require a wood ‘frame’ for the bottom, which would both allow for the tentacle art to be visible bottom comfortably, and offer substantial support for the functional bottom that would overlap the still viable parts of the trunk frame.
I thought about splitting the tentacle artwork to have a split bottom frame but felt it would have weakened the work and did not feel comfortable with it. So, wrap frame it is. It would have to be a 2 x 4 to be enough but how would it look? I made the cuts on the artwork and tried out the dry fit. It was the anchoring moment that made my skin chill. It was PERFECT!
The weather was on my side, so I drug the chest upstairs for a coating of KILZ on the inside to get rid of the musky smell that comes from older steamer trunks, especially with water damage. I knew this was a good call thanks to Two Purple Couches blog; they had recovered a streamer trunk of their own and were considerably inspirational on the next few steps. Thank you, Folks!!
I picked up the cedar planks that TPC suggested and they are amazing. For me, the trick was not only adjusting for the 2 x 4s present, but also for the fact that the steamer truck is quite large – damn near a foot locker, in size. So many measurements, so many dry fittings, lots of moments bent over the miter saw box; sawing pieces to fit just perfectly. Before I knew it, I had all four sides done. But what about the top? While I was chewing at the idea, I cut the bottom of the steamer trunk and mounted it.
My original plan was to fabric the top as TPC had done; I had fetched some medium grade adhesive from Michael’s and fabric from Jo-Ann’s thanks to curb side pick up but it felt… busy yet lacking. All this volumous space and nothing. I had a great pirate map from Lily as well but it was simply too big to fit in the top; at least in the frame I had for it. Etsy was asking $65 on average for the shape because it was so specific. Blurgh. Maybe I could make my own picture frame?
I enjoyed the cedar pieces with how well they fit together but the edging was missing something. My parents have a cedar closet in their house in Nebraska and the oak curved trim really makes the closet complete. Okay, I can manage that; a quick evening trip to Lowes and a few cuts, viola! I felt like the corners needed something, did some research, and discovered Victorian dust corners! YAY!
I put all the spare pieces together that I had left of the cedar panels. I’ll be damned there is ALMOST a perfect lid covering there, short of some light trimming and shaping. But there would be a cut out center. I had learned in theatre, if something is incongruent, you did one of two things – either you throw it out or embrace the hell out of it. And the whole thing flooded in my mind like a thunderstorm when it started to come together. Something One-eyed Willie would be proud of.
Grabbing a section of the excess plywood from the bottom, I nearly jumped up and down. Shit it would look lovely in the middle of the lid. Okay, so I have a hidden compartment behind the map. But for what? What on earth would I want to hide behind a map, like it was a hidden compartment? My eyes left my head and I nearly threw my phone pulling it from my pocket rushing to Etsy. Why yes, people did make replicas of the props from one of my favorite movies, and reasonably priced. I kept my budget tight and got two of the three primary props; the map and the key (compass later).
The trunk would have a Goonies/Pirate theme and I was madly beside myself in joy over this.
The picture frame would have to now be a shadowbox; the map would have to be somehow floating in the frame, but what about the back? What would be the point of getting this map if you couldn’t see the notes on the back?! Cut out a window for it? I was rolling my eyes at myself just thinking about it – okay, so not only are we going to make a shadowbox from scratch, we’re going to cut out the back? Sure. Right. Totally done this a thousand times. Nope, not even close.
But what the hell, Goonies never say die, right?!
I had already planned on doing a fabric top, so now to figure out a way to incorporate the fabric liner, the cedar panels, AND the back panel. Thankfully I had plenty of the Liquid nails left as recommended by TPC, but the fabric was going to be tricky – there was no way the medium weight spray could manage WOOD. Okay, let’s dive in on this liner crap and see how it goes.
MAN, I will never complain about putting sheets on a bed again for the rest of my life. So glad I with medium grade that allows repositioning and that slimmer TPC mentioned was a GODDESSSEND. I did my best to fold, pre-line, cut strategically in a slow but steady pattern, and it still cost me a Saturday afternoon to get it all JUST RIGHT.
In order to pull off all the tricks I wanted to do with the lid, I had to get creative with the adhesive spray. I needed an area of the lid that was open to the liquid nails for the woodwork but wanted congruency on the fabric. Once I got the fabric measured and cut, I put down painter’s tape on the area I didn’t want the fabric to stick to. Once the adhesive was set, I cut it out for the wood gluing.
Listen to TPC but also, my suggestions for the no-sew approach:
Clothes Pin the corners – I used these to frame a corner then carefully cut out the excess. This includes making sure to make a TINY corner above your large corner for the lid. Create the corner, trim excess, repeat. Double sided tape, a suggestion from my friend Nick, helps a lot too!
As always, measure 4 times, almost cut once, measure again, THEN cut.
Just buy the dowel, it’s worth it – The hardest part of the whole lid process is the back edge that runs right next to the back of the steamer trunk. I made the NOVICE MISTAKE of not just buying an ½” dowel from the hardware store to use as a pinning device to help keep the fabric down. If you have a yard stick or a long, thin strip of wood to use with some slide clamps, even the more better! Otherwise you will be like me and be CONSTANTLY adjusting the fabric to get it to lay right and stay put!
This is about an hour and change of work; pace yourself.
Dry fitting the wood pieces to make sure the fabric fits
Now that the fabric was finally, FINALLY done (sheesh!) I could actually move onto the wood installation phase! Everything so far was just dry fit – The wood pieces were all cut but nothing was glued or stained/varnished yet. The next few steps happened in stages; first off, the runners were painted so they stopped screaming “BLANK” at me every time I looked at them (and so the paint could cure).
For the remaining wood pieces, I read up on boat varnishing. Learned about spar varnish and the difference between a semi-gloss and matte varnishes. I could get a spar varnish for the bottom frame, the picture frame, and the back panel. The bottom got several poly coats. I kept the corner trim bare because I enjoyed the contrast against the cedar. Thanks to my friend Cassie and a quick visit to Ace Hardware for an inexpensive spar varnish, I was ready to stink up the basement!
Now to assemble the bottom, drop it into place, secure it, and liquid nails all the panels into place. It was a very nervous moment for me as I was fully committing at this point – the point of no return. First off I needed to cut off a section of the picture backing to be void filter between the mural piece and the structural bottom – just the right thickness of what would have been the proper bottom if it wasn’t water damaged. Then zipped up the mural and frame.
Floater piece, cut to fit in the exact space
Mural Bottom assembled, all pieces stained and sealed
I started with the “front” piece, since it was beneath the fingerboard – floater board on top, bottom on bottom.
I set the structural bottom onto my pop up table, set the trunk on top of it, dropping the newly assembled framed mural into the steamer trunk, and slowly started the liquid nails press, pull, and set process on the panels. Once the ‘walls’ were in place, I made sure everything was perfect, then screwed it all properly into place from the bottom. The trim pieces when in last, then got the Victorian Dust corners into place. WHEW.
So had a drink after that; to celebrate the milestone of getting the liquid nails done and not fucking up.
Now that they were underway, it was time for the frame construction. Oh man.
While everything was curing downstairs both paint and stain – I was working on the frame. I actually own a ‘How to Make Shaker furniture’ book and read up on picture frames. What I wanted to do was somewhere between a shadowbox and a picture frame, but more a picture frame. I found some inexpensive poplar wood pieces that would make for a great frame; thank you for that Ace Hardware!!
I found some tips online about DIY frame making. I busted out the router kit I had (thanks Vati for the router bits!!) and after a few test runs on a chunk of 2 x 4 I had left, I worked on the poplar pieces. Then I took them and did 45-degree angles for the frame. Finally, I did the painter’s tape and wood glue trick from video, crossing all my fingers it would work and wiping the floor clean of glue.
Pieces connected by tape, glue on both cut ends…
… bring it all together, locked off with tape to cure
SUCCESS! I had a frame!! I snagged a sheet of 4 by 4 plywood from Ace, only to discover it will not fit in my car. Had to strap it to my roof. THAT WAS A FUN RIDE HOME. Thankfully a short one! I joked with my wife that it was the “sail” of the boat as it was definitely getting air on the way home. I cut the back of the frame out of it and used a large section of the reminder as a floating blank in the base of the trunk (as noted in the assembly section above).
I dry fit the map in it and nearly clapped my hands! It was so close!! I nearly removed the leather strap but it would have lost it’s punch. And the holes wouldn’t be as potent flat. I would have to float it somehow. Oh man, how to get it to float? Another Michael’s curb side visit and I had perfect piece of balsa wood. I outlined it to get the cut just right.
So I cut the balsa wood for the float piece, making sure to have the top of the map hang over (notice in the photo above the big margin between map and the balsa) for the notes to poke through. The balsa would be cut to give the shadowbox ‘feel’ (especially with the holes in the balsa to let the veneer sections through) but I would need to modify the picture backing to support it. I also cut a ‘window’ in the back of the picture frame so you could see the notes through the back. To do this right, I would need the painters tape again:
Blue painters tape was used to block the veneer and allow the balsa wood to be glued to the backing
Shit, it was varnish time. NERVOUS AGAIN; it’s been several years since I varnished and getting the coats just right is a big deal since this is the center piece of my work. No stress right? No one is going to really look at the frame below – this was front and dead center.
Two and half days later, everything was varnished. With baited breath, I dry fit the frame. BRILLIANT. I got a piece of plexiglass from Ace Hardware and had the distinct pleasure of having it cut to fit before taking it home. Had a lovely chat with the chap who cut it at a safe distance and it made all the difference. I got it all home, screwed the frame together, and nearly got teary eyed. Okay, I did.
I was blown away how it turned out. I could have purchased a frame but it would have not nearly gotten the same results and the high grade boat varnish Cassie got me MADE IT SHINE. To keep map and leather pieces where I wanted them but still adjustable, I used more of the double sided tape. But how the hell was I going to frame this thing? And make it so it can be removed? I had some ideas with flush mount brackets but the spacing…
I used the excess wood pieces from the frame and cut blocks out of them as spacers. I got flush mount brackets from Ace Hardware and pain staking measured the living shit out of the whole process. A pencil, a bottle of honey whiskey (not drank, just used), and lots of patience paid off. I mounted the blocks in to the lid and after a thousand micro adjustments, my frame was in the lid.
There were three more things to address for this phase; somewhat minor but high detail. Okay, I can do this. I needed to address what I call the “finger plate” on the front inside of the trunk (really a bolt plate for the lock hasp but I digress), I needed to do something about the fabric around the lid arm, and naturally, don’t freak out kid, getting the key mounted with some level of artistic value on the back plate. Removable if possible, but still secure. I also put on the casters (actual trunk casters), trimmed the structural bottom with a router so it’s ‘hidden’ and painted it black (no photo sadly!).
While I had the steamer trunk upstairs (a rarity), I mounted it’s casters for ease of relocation if needed!
The finger plate was oddly almost the easiest to address. Using some of the fabric tricks I had learned and some brass hob nails I had acquired, I slowly but surely put in the fabric on the finger board. I really wish I took more time lining up the hob nails but it still came out rather well so I was happy with it.
Stealing another idea from my friend Nick, I used double sided scotch tape to help “set” the edges of the fingerboard fabric so I could get it set into place. I also used some double sided tape to help set the finished fabric section to the trunk temporarily so I could nail them into place. The hind sight suggestion would be to not nail the hob nails looking down – get a prop for the lid and lay it on it’s front so it’s right in front of you and take the time to get them PROPERLY lined up – don’t be as sloppy as me! 😀
Next was addressing the fraying on the fabric liner. This is my fault – I should have used a better knife to cut the fabric; it was tearing in places and the wood was just absorbing the adhesive it was so dry. I first tried to tack the loose pieces with copper boat nails (I’m holding onto that ascetic like a life preserver) and it helped but it was lacking the “umph” of a proper treasure chest, you know? I ended up getting green velvet ribbon and fabric glue from Michaels and it was the missing piece!
Next was addressing that pesky hinge arm. TPC did a great job with the pocket move they pulled off but I didn’t think I had the finesse to pull it off; moreover, with the fabric I was using, unless I got the exact pattern section for the pocket area, it would stick out even worse because it’s so busy. Had to pivot again but that’s okay, that’s one of my strong suits. Dancing is just falling into place to the beat, right? Okay, maybe an small octopus? Like a tiny idol? But bronze. But how to get it to fit?
I found a well priced brass octopus with a hollow body which was PERFECT; I was able to get a vinyl bumper that was very ideal as a mount for the octopus. I nailed the bumper into the lid, then super glued the octopus over the hinge so it could continue to operate without getting nicked off. Finally, I put two bumpers on the right side of the trunk to keep the table from crowding the hinge space.
Finally we were onto the key mounting part of the project. It was going to be especially tricky because I needed to find a way to mount the key in the back of the lid without a), piercing the lid, b), keeping it from falling out at the drop of a hat, and c), if was even remotely possible, make it so the key could be removed and handled so just nailing/screwing it into place was fresh out. Good times.
After some digging around, I settled on using two different kinds of hardware to pull this off. I acquired some mission screws (the square headed screw through the key’s right ‘eye’) and some brackets that are meant to be used for glass cabinet stays that I removed the screws out of – they would have stuck out just too far and been cumbersome to work to get the key out. I tried the mounting method first on a scrap piece of wood before the final mount was approached.
Now I was onto the final part of this project; which was going to be a project all of it’s own. In the process of making the steamer trunk, I decided that I wanted to make it my spelling trunk. No clue if this is a historical thing or not conceptually, but I doubt I’m the first person to cook it up.
A spelling trunk (to me) is a sacred, contained space in which a practitioner could work and contain some/all their working tools while maintaining limited space and keep things somewhat discrete. This has likely existed previously but naturally kept under wraps for survival purposes. To pull this off, I would need to be able to make a ‘working table’ that fit into the trunk but was still functional.
A picture of the trunk completed; the working table is secured inside the trunk and is at table “height” for working purposes.
What came to mind conceptually was a table that had folding legs that was low profile enough to not interfere with the work in the lid but also still have some kind of lip to keep things from falling off of it. I would use the same boat varnish I used on the frame and the backing so it was consistent and frankly I was madly in love with it (and it’s not cheap so using it up was a good call). I found some inexpensive pieces of lumber at Lowe’s for the body, routed the trim pieces, and got to gluing.
The next parts involved getting the legs and hardware for the legs and handles just right. I found some fantastic spring locking folding leg brackets on Etsy for the legs, and keeping to the nautical theme, I got a set of brass boat cleats for the handles. They would fit beautifully inside the lid without hitting the frame while being quite sturdy. I found some poplar legs at Home Depot, made a rough estimate on height, used a piece of spare wood to test, and trimmed accordingly.
The next biggest trick was overcoming my own created obstacle – the wood trim pieces and the table legs. I couldn’t really move the legs further into the center of the table and not lose height of the legs as they would be too long to fit under the table. I could cut the trim pieces to let the legs fit but it was going to be messy and I had to hope to not nick or break anything while surgically doing so. Moreover, though the cuts would somewhat help stability, that would only be side to side, not forward, where if I didn’t lock the legs correctly, could mean falling candles and breakage of tools. I let this spin around in my head for a bit and after some research on hardware, I found a solution!
I used shelf brackets as ‘pegs’ for the legs to clip into on the edge of the internal frame. This would let them keep the original height, while maintaining balance and stability. I then measured and cut the difference on the leg between the wall and the trim piece so it would be flush when it was in standing placement. It was a painstaking process to get it all just right and it can be a mild pain to get the legs just right in the trunk when it’s upright but there’s enough gap to adjust them to fit. I spent the next few days varnishing the table to finish it. LET THERE BE TABLE. AND IT WAS GREAT.
Conclusion (or is it?!)
I’ve had a few people ask what my next set of plans for it is and the answers are specific. I’m deliberately choosing not to do anything on the outside (at least for now) because I enjoy the quiet, unassuming nature of the exterior. The latches still work works, I may have to change the handles some day, and maybe at some point clean it up more – but I’m not sprucing up the outside.
I do have plans to make little wheel chocks to keep it from rolling and at some point I will make two small chests that will rest inside of the trunk but I’m saving that for another blog and another day/year (and hopefully proper working space). For now, it’s complete and I’m very happy with it. ❤
Please let me know if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them!!
A blog about kids from a child-free family (you do not have to have kids to be a family).
Oh I’ve been talking about writing this blog forever and I think it’s about time that I did.
It’s been kicking around in my head for months now and I’ve written about three drafts on it to get the wording right. Kids are a sensitive subject in many ways; for people who have them, for those who want them and can’t, to those who are just sick of them, for those who want their kids to have kids! Just kids man! KIDS! BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN INDEED!
First off; Kids are great – They are, we have them for a reason as a species. They are adorable, they can be really fun, they will amaze the crap out of you while ruining your house, and many of us are socially and biologically engineered to want to have them. The desire to have children is not remotely lost on me personally, despite the personal desire to not raise one or more myself. I get it, I really do; genetic longevity, a sense of purpose and meaning, an excuse to not go out if you want it – total package!
One of the reasons I’m finally writing this piece is that so many of my friends are pregnant or have recently had children. I honestly wish everyone who wanted kids could both have them and be in the right position to raise a family; emotionally, socially, financially, mentally, and physically. Few things make me smile than watching my friends proudly show their children on social media and how happy life is with said kids in it. It is a kind of joy that is utterly unique and special; very little is even close to it.
So why write a blog about kids? Very good question! Aren’t I off simply enjoying a child-free life? Touring the globe, staying up very late at night doing whatever I want, drinking at 11 in the morning on a Tuesday, and laughing at all my sucker parent friends? Fuck no, that’s shallow as shit; my parent friends are awesome and I adore them – I’m writing this blog for three things – the topic of children in general, how as a society we treat non-parents, and positive examples that I have seen in popular culture that I feel are really good parenting styles.
I have no desire to hate on kids or parenting; it’s not an oxymoron – you can enjoy your friends having kids and even kids to a fault and still desire and/or need to be living a childfree lifestyle. I’m going to get into that, especially my personal circumstance, here in a little bit once we finish the load in so I have your expectations properly set. This blog is about positivity, perspective, and understanding – parents aren’t idiots for having kids and non-parents aren’t selfish bastards for not having kids; so we’re clear.
Duty of Care regarding reproductive topics – Let’s just dive in. There are a few points I’m going to address on this front as it gets really messy when kids get involved. As previously stated, we have kids for a reason, but it is not an excuse to be unruly shits to each other. I will elaborate:
Stop randomly touching pregnant women – The miracle of life is damn right amazing, isn’t it? Some of us do not take the topic well and others simply won’t stop talking about it. That’s fine, that is what makes us different! But for the love of everything, just because there is a baby on board doesn’t mean you can treat a woman’s body like it’s a car you are admiring so please stop just randomly touching them. If you want to make contact with growing life, address the person growing that life. You don’t randomly pet people’s pets and you should never just touch a woman’s belly because she is carrying a kid/multiple kids. It’s like the reproductive equivalent of “my eyes are up here” regarding breasts; yes we have a hormonal response but we need to control ourselves. Get consent or just keep your hands to yourself.
Child Free isn’t Child Less – Many people forget that non-parents really break down into two groups; those of us who have deliberately chosen not to have kids, and those of us who CAN’T have kids. There is a stark, stark difference. Child Free families are families operating on their chosen terms, childless are dealing with not being able to live to their terms. I know lots of couples that *desperately* want kids and it’s just not an option one way or another. It’s tragic and I genuinely feel for them; especially families who have to endure miscarriages. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone; my heart goes out to anyone who’s ever had to deal with that kind of loss.
I’m making a point of this distinction because you shouldn’t assume one is the other. You can’t give comfort to a child less family about the benefits of being child free because it is pressing hard on a deep emotional bruise. And conversely you should assume that someone who doesn’t have kids must have something wrong with them. There is a social assumption that everyone wants kids and we need to full on stop observing this assumption as it’s inconsiderate and frankly very tasteless – let people be people man, it’s not hard.
Yes, it is rude to ask if someone is having kids – Oh heavens; where to go on this one. I got asked once in the middle of a business meeting at one of my old roles if I was having kids. This experience will never leave me because I was so shocked how out of hand it was. I’ve been prodded by family members, gently and semi-roughly asked by friends, and it’s always bothersome. We have a duty of care to respect each other’s boundaries and this is a big one. No, you do not have a right to inquire if someone is having kids unless you yourself are in a situation where it’s an important question, like someone you are having a lifetime commitment with. Then you absolutely should talk about it and be expressly clear.
I’m sure there is some unique situation where you would have to ask such a question but the best I can come up with is in regards to a real estate agent, a lawyer, and perhaps your insurance agent but all of those need to know for professional services. Co-workers, family members, even friends do not need to know if you are planning to have kids. Period. Having kids should be a free and clear choice, not one that you get pressured into one way or another. If you want to talk about it, it’s one thing but no one has a right to make you answer this.
So, you aren’t having kids yourself? – Despite this topic point being deliciously ironic, I’m freely offering this information if nothing else to prove a few points but also because I want to be open and public about this topic. I feel it gives perspective on both the validity of this particular blog post and a deeper understanding of my personal perspective. People chose to have kids for various reasons and they chose not to have kids for various reasons as well. I don’t think there is a default answer or rationale for this, I think it’s different for everyone and want to encourage this opinion to be circulated and pondered.
I was encouraged as many were, either directly or indirectly, to have kids. “Oh some day you will have kids and you will understand my perspective” is a line I heard a lot growing up. Sure, having kids, being a parent, changes your perspective and your behaviors. You are not the same person the second after you learn you are a parent, whether it is a blessing or a concern. I do not know what that feels like but I have had enough experiences and observations enough to see the change happen.
To a certain extent, it wasn’t a choice per se for me but yet it was. I had an incredibly challenging childhood that shattered my self-image internally so brutally that the idea of reproducing was ripped from my psyche. I am not going to get into detail on what happened, please just know it was circumstantial and is done now. If there was a circuit breaker for wiring and fuses for this instinct, you would open mine up and it would be empty. I had not realized how badly my self-image was damaged until I was sobering up at a diner after a beer festival (alone) and a young mother sat down with two boys at a booth next to me. I am crying as I’m writing this so please bear with me.
It unnerved me to my naked soul that I was in their presence; that the abomination I knew as myself was marring them as their transfixed eyes openly took me in. If I could have fled into the void at that very moment to spare them, I might have. I was not in a good place when it happened emotionally but I’m glad it did because it helped me understand the breadth of my emotional trauma. I had gone to therapy many times and though the topic of kids came up, I never knew WHY I just didn’t have the desire to reproduce; just that I didn’t.
To finish the story, I did my damndest to be as chill and together as possible, eat my food, left a good tip, and wander into the night. I honestly don’t think anyone thought anything of me, other than perhaps I was a bit drunk but otherwise harmless. I sobered up in my car (key NOT in the ignition) and drove home that night. My reaction was wildly emotional and unrealistic but very, very present and intense. I was filled with shame, sadness, and sobbed on and off the rest of the night to get it out of my system.
Now that was the underlying reason I didn’t desire to have kids; the choice to not have them was an entirely different matter. Clearly I had psychological issues that I have dealt with since discovering them but I still chose not to have kids. One of the reasons I had this emotional trauma was also why I chose not to have kids; I was born with crippling ADHD and two mental disorders – memory recall issues and a strong math deficiency. I was told by some nice social workers once that I should strong consider disability because they didn’t think I would be able to be a functional adult.
Since it’s me, I took that as a challenge and not as good advice. I spent much of my young adult life getting myself sorted out because society still treated ADHD (and is still struggling with it) as a behavioral disorder and not say a mental reconfiguration that is simply non-neurotypical versus a deficit (yes, I know it’s in the term but it’s one of the things I hope some day we address). I spent many nights, weeks, month, years, getting my shit together to finally BE a reasonable adult. I’m finally here now, in my forties, and I’m very proud to be the man I am today.
I chose not to have kids for two reasons; I have genetic concerns regarding the health of my children since my father has MS and a laundry list of life-threatening concerns my family has been taxed with. I’m not getting into them, it’s extensive. I’m happy to just still be alive at this point myself. But I also chose not to have kids because I knew that due to my delayed maturity into adulthood and lack of a reasonable foundation that would lead to a fast-track career, I couldn’t afford kids before I was in a part of my life where these genetic concerns would be severe on top of other late life reproduction concerns.
To be crystal clear, I do not regret nor feel that I’m missing anything by making this choice. I know it was the “right” choice if there ever could be one for my life choices and was necessary. I’m sharing this part of my life so I hope that people realize that non-parents chose not to have kids for reasons beyond selfish ones. And honestly, if people want not to be parents because don’t want to have kids, that’s a fair reason – we are not a species in a place that’s risking extinction; we will be okay.
So what about this parenting advice you were talking about? – YES! I have some positive examples of what I personally view as positive parenting that I want to pass along to my readers who are parents. This is in no way an authoritative consideration; I am, at best, sharing what I view as positive parenting that if I was a child again, would appreciate as a parenting perspective. I’ll do my best to not spoil any plot related content, so I apologize in advance if I do so.
Compassion despite Disruption – If you are a fan of Bob’s Burgers, you already know that Bob and Linda are, at their very heart, unconventional parents who genuinely want what is best for their kids. Though there are drawbacks and concerns about growing up in a restaurant as a kid (as you see for Bob when he was younger in the show in a few episodes), I think it would be an incredibly unique situation.
In one-episode Tina, the eldest daughter, gets rather upset over a boy and starts crying at the dinner table. Her siblings razz her a little bit, Bob and Linda ask what’s wrong, Tina starts to boil over and, in her embarrassment, literally grabs a handful of spaghetti (with meat sauce) and runs off to her room. Linda nudges Bob to check on her so he goes and does so. It’s been a long day and he’s tired but he has the parenting moment he knows he should (and wants to) have.
The beautiful moment is the compassion (albeit awkward but that’s just Bob) that Bob shows to Tina. Even for her this is wildly out of frame but he talks with her. He doesn’t bring up the fact that she drug food back with her and is currently cradling it against her chest and messing up her bedspread. Instead he talks things out with her, gives her advice, and, in a power parenting moment, askes if she wants a handful of ice cream when she’s done with her spaghetti to help soothe her emotions.
The fact that he chose to address Tina and her current strife over being upset over the mess she was making is an impressive parenting moment. Clothes, carpets, and food can be cleaned/replaced – being the parent that your children need in that moment cannot be replaced or ‘cleaned’ up.
You will never be Alone – One of the most touching things I’ve ever heard was my friend Jada saying that she always wants her kids to know that they can always turn to her and always come home if they need to. From what I understand, there are several moments, especially when you are simply trying to use the rest room, that your children will not leave you be. Personal space just stops happening for a while there and you get used to it. Conceptually it is quite endearing but I can see how it would be trying! ❤
One of the examples I have seen on a deep, thankfully rare situation happens in Paddington Bear 2. If you are unfamiliar with the story, it is about a British family that adopts a talking bear that they find at Paddington station and name him after it. The book series is priceless and the two movies made are beyond phenomenal, I can’t recommend them enough for families to watch, I own both proudly. The Browns, who adopt Paddington, end up having interesting lives afterwards but quite love one another.
At one point in the 2nd movie, Paddington is lured into a trap and after a series of intense twists, finds himself not only deeply underwater but also firmly secured inside of a locked circus car. Mrs. Brown dives in after him and it is rapidly discerned that he is locked in, there’s no way either of them can free him – he will drown. Mrs. Brown reaches through the bars of the circus railcar, firmly holds his hand, and refuses to let ago. A moment passes, Paddington tries to push her away, she just shakes her head.
You understand in this moment that Mrs. Brown will not abandon her ‘child’, even an adopted one, and will, if necessary, die along with him so he will not alone die. This is a realization that hits me so hard every time I think of it (even now) that I start bawling uncontrollably. It gently moves aside the concept of dying for someone to hold the line so daringly it looks the mortal fear of dying alone firmly in the eye and tells it that you will not stand for it. Things turn out okay, so please don’t worry if you haven’t seen it – they are really fun, beautiful movies.
Though I feel that telling your children this every day would lose it’s gravity, I also feel it’s important that your children know that you will always be there for them, even in their last moments, if they need you.
Fighting for your Kids, not with them – Finally (because I could probably spend all day talking about examples) it is an example I have recently seen (and likely so have many others). In the special “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards – A Schitt’s Creek Farewell” (which also makes me cry happily as well and I am not ashamed for shit for it, I enjoy being a masculine male who embraces their feelings), members of the cast read a thank you letter from an LGBTQ+ Support group of Mothers of LGBTQ+ children and how deeply touched and relieved that their children are respected and given positive representation. As you can imagine, in the process of reading the letter, the cast all melt on the spot and are deeply humble.
I get that it’s very hard – I can’t imagine having kids and not having, to some extent, some kind of expectation. Culture, personality, behavior and spiritual choices; these are things that we build around each other to try and continue our values. I have always appreciated parents who have been able to step back and just be FASCINATED about how their children become their own selves before them and I can imagine it would be challenging to see them become something that you were not expecting.
I also feel that parents should take on the world the way that Philadelphia fought back when the Flyers announced that their mascot was some crazed orange 6 foot maniac named “Gritty.” You may be confused, shocked, not certain what exactly is going on but when someone starts in on your kid, you drop (maybe throw) down what you are doing and you get up in their face (metaphorically speaking I hope). Back to what Jada said, I know she implied (and has stated in other comments) that she would not stand to have her kids messed with and is their first champion if they need her. I appreciate the hell out of any parent that takes a part of their children(s) personality and makes it a cause that they fight for – it’s just so beautiful.
Again, I feel that telling your kids daily that you would go to bat for them if they need you would get excessive but hey, better that they know it without a doubt, right? They need to know that you will love, support, appreciate, and be proud of them regardless of how they grow, change, and become their own people.
In closing (if I still have readers with me, thank you for sticking around!), I honestly believe parenting is one of the most noble things a person can do and I respect anyone who is a parent or a parent figure for a kid. I also feel that there is no shame in choosing not to be a parent (if you have not had children; don’t deadbeat man – you helped bring them in, you need to step up, and own a presence in their lives). I hope this blog helps understand the perspective of a non-parent and some of the choices we make both as friends and family members to one another and people in general. Especially the kids.
It was only a week ago you passed over the rainbow bridge and it took me this long to find the emotional strength to write you a proper eulogy. I still do so with tears streaming down my face but it is worth it. My apologizes to any reader who gets confused, I wrote this through my tears.
I remember when this all started; roughly 15 years ago. I was married to Jen back then and Lily was living with us. Both were asking heavily about us getting a dog and it was unspoken that it was meant to be a precursor to Jen and I having kids. I was working two jobs at the time and was at my second job when they sent me the link for your profile; saying that you were the one they wanted.
I still can remember how I sighed; loud enough that my coworker asked what was wrong. I laughed it off, knowing the stress was getting to me. The house was costly, and I was really worried about making it all work as it was, but a dog on top of it? I remembered when I had a dog as a kid, the vet visits, the money my parents spent, but also the joy I had for having a dog. “Alright, let’s get her” was what I messaged back.
We picked you up at a rescue site that used to be a ranch. It was quite the drive and I was worried about having a larger dog inside the car with us; especially when it first met us. There were so many dogs when we pulled up; it was like visiting a dog village – they were everywhere! Were we just going to walk up to you and put a leash on you? Thankfully, our contact introduced themselves, and we were directed into a side kennel space roughly the size of a finished garage.
They brought us into the middle of the cleared space; short of a side running counter and a side door to the kennel room, it was empty. The contact explained you were running in a field, possibly shot at one point because you looked like a coyote – for some reason, it was why many people passed on you. For us, it was exactly why we wanted you. But that’s just misfits for you, we know our own.
They let you into the room to met us and you literally ran around us in circles for a few minutes. You would only briefly pause but kept pacing quickly. You weren’t interested in treats or contact; you were working the room. A stray thought came into my head and I keeled on the ground in the middle of the room, my hand outstretched and low. You caught sight of me, I swear took a right angle turn on a dime, came straight to me, and started licking my face without a care in the world.
Oh Keisha.
I insisted that I be called Alpha instead of Daddy because it made me extremely uncomfortable to hear that. In my mind, I felt we were a pack and if authoritarian roles were to be handed out, that was one I could work with. I felt terrible that we never had yard for you but at least got a static line for the back yard so you could zig back and forth. But holy shit did you love walks. We walked you constantly and I think it was one of the reasons I kept the weight off.
Thankfully, you were a great dog and we were fortunate that you almost never needed to go to the Vet. Hell, if you did, I must have already forgotten it. It was good to have a dog again; you were not the most physically affectionate dog but that did not bother me – you were simply happy to be nearby us. It was more than enough for me and having you in my life during that time meant the world to me. Always happily smiling at me from time to time, it was more than enough.
Unfortunately, Jen and I choose to separate; we had rushed into getting married and buying a house when we really should have slowed down. We really were two different people, more than we realized. She needed someone who could have kids with her and I wasn’t going to take that from her. We did our best to separate out everything and it went well for the most part, but that also included figuring out what to do with you.
I honestly did not know what to do Keish. Jen did not quite seem to bond with you as well as she had hoped but you had gotten on famously with Lily; she was in many ways your caretaker.
I am gratefully Lily was there and that you two were as bonded as you were. I knew my life as I knew it was going to change dramatically; I did not know how I was going to take care of myself or where I was going to wind up. Leaving you was another crack in my broken heart that I tucked away in a pocket when I left to start my life over again.
Oh Keisha.
It was a hard choice but the right one. My life for the next 12 years was … insane. Lily was able to give you attention and stability that I did not possess. I had to finish growing up in a lot of ways, find a way to get a college degree while working, try to hold onto a job during two recessions, and find the person I was meant to be with. I loved Jen and I was glad she had her new life, I needed to sort out mine.
I wound up in Philadelphia and found my soul mate. I had seen you and Lily on and off for years, and not nearly as much as I would have liked. Lily was very much ready for a move herself, feeling the Midwest was not home anymore. I was overly excited to have both of you move up here so I could in some ways finally have my family back together again. You made it feel like home I always wanted to have.
It was amazing to have you both here, even though 3 adults and a few pets in a two bedroom flat could get frustrating at times – but we were a family again. I wish I were more positive at times when you were around – I was stressed out for so long trying to get everything to work. It took me forever to find a decent job and by the time I was just settling out, you and Lily had to move.
Please know It was far more than I could have ever asked for. I got to spend time with you I never thought I would have again after having to lose you and I really, really appreciate that.
I really struggled with you and Lily moving out but I knew it was very necessary – Lily was able to get a reasonable commute to work (a rare privilege in this town) and you got to have a bit of yard to yourself, finally. For that alone, I was incredibly happy for both of you, that you got to have peace and feel loved to your last day on this planet. I look forward to seeing you again some day and our walks in the woods.
Please forgive me for not being as good as I could have been or given you as many walks as you wanted. I knew in my heart that you belonged in the woods, and I hope you get to finally have that now. I hope we gave you the best life you could have asked for, and that you are still with us to some degree as we learn to move on without you physically being present with us.
Oh Keisha.
I will always miss you my Ghost Dog, and I will always love you.
Good morning Folks; I’m writing you today to both out myself as a Unicorn and talk to you about Autism.
I have been given this challenge through social media and I’m responding as such, on my terms. As someone who is not neurotypical as well, though I do not believe I am on the Autism scale, I am taking this challenge very seriously and with great passion.
It is exceptionally important to know the following facts: Autism is a mental reconfiguration that is not neurotypical but this does not mean one’s mind is broken – simply different than many other minds. Moreover, it is also has a spectrum state; meaning, a person can have various levels of Autism – sometimes it can be infrequent and appear circumstantial, other times it is very much present and interaction with someone on the Autism scale is a unique, different experience.
I cannot stress how I do firmly mean DIFFERENT, not wrong or broken – BROKEN is a concept that is used insensitively and deeply inaccurately – life should be about compassion, understanding, and a willingness to relate to one another, especially when you are dealing with someone on the autism scale. They often have a specific set of interaction traits that work best for them and learning those traits is a very rewarding experience. Why?
Someone with Autism understands and interacts with the world in an entirely different spectrum; concepts are much more intense, vivid, and can be extremely overwhelming. In this level of intensity, they can also make connections, art, and understand beauty of life that is almost incomprehensible for someone who is neurotypical. We tend to take life at face value but someone who is Autistic understands it far deeper than that.
Yes, it can be challenging to interact, teach, and frankly love someone who is Autistic. There are going to be times when that person is going to drive you nuts. But it’s a disposition and not deliberate; there are plenty of people who behave carelessly with no valid justification and to those I give no quarter. But someone who is Autistic is someone who is sweet, brave, and doing their best so they have my sword, my shield, and my heart every time.
Finally, to be a 10000% clear, VACCINATIONS DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM. Stop it, just flat fucking stop it. This is a massive sore spot for me; attempt to thwart it with whatever quack nonsense you can drum up, it’s pure bullshit. This is a wide spread hypochondriac response at best and opens the door for infections that kills millions because people want to blithely cling to false security. Just stop furthering discourse to an ENTIRE mental demographic because of some shit a 2nd cousin you don’t talk to anyways posted online.
Also, I’m a unicorn; because duh. I mean, really, I’m an Manticore but I try to keep that under wraps because people kinda shit themselves over a Lion with wings and a poisonous flail tail that flies around, saving Misfit toys around the world, and takes them to his reclaimed island in the Nevernever. Not really someone you want to invite over to the pasture for some hay and a lovely bonfire with s’mores but I digress.
The customer is always ‘right’ and now they are letting you know how they feel.
Going online has changed commerce exponentially. It has improved supply chain management, viral marketing is now an option, and almost anyone can leap out of the blue, into the limelight, and discover how quickly how success can cause its own problems. Buttressing this blissful new opportunity is one of its own – Feedback.
Any goob with Marketing in their degree or under their belt (you bet your sweet ass I’m calling myself out) knows that brand communities are a double edged sword – they will drive your business right out of your hands as much as into the ground but if you work with them, they will carry you into a new era of success and rampant sales.
Feedback Culture allows business to be more of an even conversation – it hobbles the once hackneyed superior force approach many businesses leveraged (though it is clearly still kicking around, eh Apple?) because customer has a voice now; one that can be broadcast as easily as any viral marketing post as quick as one can knock out a meme.
With the presence of this new commercial phenomenon, it’s really easy to let the voice of many sway you in any direction – towards buying something or to flat avoid something – based on what you research or find on the internet when making a purchase. That’s normal; often you ask around when considering a purchase, this is just another version of that.
Based on my experiences of surfing the review waves, I have a few thoughts and suggestions on how to cut through the madness. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, turned off, turned on, obsessed, and craving things you may or may not need or discover you need later and passed on unfortunately.
1. Verified Purchase Reviews – It’s important when you read up on an establishment/company/service that you make sure the reviews are from actual customers. Frequently you will run into knock off vendors who are selling knockoffs away from the original product/service and flood the review channel with fake reviews to bolster the product into legitimacy.
Also, you are going to run into people who haven’t purchased the product at all and for whatever reason, downvote/throw shade on it. I just bought some hand towels that a potential customer (didn’t buy) bitched about it being polyester… Only the trim was polyester, the towel was 100% cotton otherwise – they gave this towel they saw only and gave it a single star because what they thought they read.
2. Discern whether or not the feedback is relevant (to you) – I’m notorious for purchasing products/materials not for their original intended purpose (i.e. a specific Rubbermaid container for Sous Vide use and not at all for restaurant use as it’s intended) so one of the tricks I’ve learned is to read the top reviews and the bottom reviews of anything I’m looking at.
Not all the information given is valuable – frequently customers get confused with how to leave a shipment review and leave it on the product, other times it’s an outdated issue from 3 years ago that the company addressed. Maybe you are buying a spice rack that does an awful job of holding spices, but you are using it for a figurine display, etc.
3. Leave Feedback for goods and services, for all the reasons – Often times, we only leave feedback when we’re really upset and sometimes when we are really impressed. Which is great! Businesses need to know what the customer is feeling; especially when a business is doing something right and when they are doing something very wrong. But we need to leave it all the time if possible, at least when it’s just okay.
Mediocre service/product enjoyment is just as important as it rounds out the perspective on the purchase. Maybe it was good/okay but could use some tweaks. Maybe the service was good, but the food wasn’t – maybe it was the other way around. Maybe you were impressed with the service, but karaoke isn’t quite your scene when you are getting sushi. Say these things, it helps, and it’s valued.
4. Check multiple sites for feedback on major purchases – One of the important actions I learned the semi hard way (I made it work after all) is making sure to check all the reviews on various sites to make sure it’s a good aggregate choice. Customers tend to stick to one site over another and tend to review accordingly to just that site – seeing multiple sites for a major purchase is a good call for legitimacy.
An example was that I just brought a Samsung Tab A; all the reviews were good for the most part, checked a few sites, and completely missed that Samsung didn’t make it a true HD device with Google Widevine testing – meaning a lot of streaming services will not give you HD for security purposes. I would have caught this (and still bought it, I’m on a budget! :D) if I just checked one more site.
Hopefully this points are valuable to you and help encourage people to get into the Feedback culture and continue to use it to help companies shape what their products and services are like. They do listen to the customer, if the points are well stated, and enough information is given. Thanks for reading folks!
A fool for a client has a lawyer worth fighting for; and other moments of self-denial-realizations.
In an attempt to shore up some AMA questions, I pumped Facebook a couple of times and really… Yeah I need to work on my crowd sourcing; I got a few, which I will answer in this post but for the most part, nothing. Almost didn’t write the blog but decided, to hell with it, I’ve done dozens of interviews – I’m just going to interview myself for the sake of humor and amusement. Hey, maybe I will learn something, right? I’m hoping you will too. Hopefully this doesn’t come off too… Sad. 😀
Interviewer: So you have lived a bit of a … Well, an unconventional life, when hearing bits and pieces of your past; was there anything specifically that happened that lead you down this unusual path or do you feel this was a matter of fate?
Me: Heh. I think I was born to be a skipping stone and had the fateful outcome to be picked up and chucked down the chaotic stream of existence that is life. It was as much nature as it was nurture; I grew up with ADHD during the late 80s and early 90s and ADHD back then was considered a part of the oppositional defiant disorder spectrum and not actually its own configuration.The Education system treated it as such, at least it did in the Midwest, so I was written off quickly.
In all fairness, I was quite oppositional in my own way because I knew I was different and feared getting ground out into someone else. I even had some lovely people from the State Department tell me that I would likely never make it as a functional adult and offered to help me investigate applying for Disability. I politely told them to fuck off. I set my own path when I was 17 and I’ve been living it ever since, guided by life and my own heart.
I was never going to live a normal life; if there is even such a thing. But it sure as hell hasn’t been dull.
Interviewer: That couldn’t have been easy, cutting your path like that. You have mentioned semi-seriously about a ‘master plan’ on your posts; is that genuinely real? Do you feel that you have been successful?
Me: It’s the downside of such change and going your own way so to speak; the ‘lines’ as often described by anyone discussing life are there for a reason – they offer security, direction, and at least the presence of some stability, as much as one can have in life. Going my own way, I met a lot of interesting people and I had some extremely unusual experiences that I wouldn’t trade in for the world.
It is real; I have set a series of milestones for myself on a fluid time frame that I have been observing to the best of my abilities. It isn’t set in stone for a reason; good plans change and adapt to make the goal work – THAT should be set in stone. How you get there needs to stay flexible, so you don’t lose sight of the outcome. It’s easy to get lost in the details, just as much as not having enough details – you have to keep balance.
The goal of my life is to live genuinely and honestly, share my experiences with those who want to listen as to improve or at least entertain their lives. The next step for me, is hopefully starting a little community wherever home turns out to be, start a small business or two on the side, and grow with my friends and loved ones. But hey, I’m doing my best to hit my 50s in style in the next 8 years or so.
Interviewer: Speaking of style, you seem to have different aspects throughout your own personal style – wear a lot of suits and keep a clean, sharp look one moment but then bust out the craziest pieces out of nowhere. And the handkerchiefs of course, not to mention your raging patch collection.
Me: Heh – so I have this personal little rite that I practice; when someone passes onto the next life, I take something that reminds me of them into my life to remember them, to incorporate their lives into mine as a matter of respect and love. The suits and the handkerchiefs come from my Grandfather Ralph Harder, who always wore a suit to Sunday Services and no matter if he was in a pew or in the field working as a farmer, had his handkerchief in a pocket. He was always prepared that way so now I am too.
The patches come from my Grandmother Joyce Harder. She was an avid sewing artist; did quilts, pillow cases, dresses, everything you could think of. I almost took a job as the Operations Manager at the International Quilt Museum in Lincoln thinking of her because it was so important to me. When she passed, I asked my mother for a black denim jacket so I could make my own quilt with patches – so I could incorporate aspects of my own life into a personal “quilt” and it kinda became a thing. Heh.
Interviewer: Speaking of a thing, so writing – I know that this is an important part of your life; how did you get into it and what do you plan to do with it if I may ask? What part of your life do you see writing in?
Me: I grew up an avid reader and writing for me was putting back into the literary world what you got out of it – you were contributing. I wrote my first “novel” as a kid about a kid who feel asleep and awoke to the smell of a baked apple pie; and carefully left it for my mother to find. It was self-serving as Hell but man that pie was something to write about, I have to tell you that much.
I wrote a novel in high school after I had thought about running away from home and decided to see what it would look like if I did. It took a life of its own and frankly helped me level out a lot. Filled a good dozen college ruled notebooks by hand, both sides of the page, and several drafts of it. It currently sits in the basement of my rental space, and it still calls to me now and then to see it through.
Mentally speaking, I have about three different novel series cooking in my head but that’s just it, they are in my head, not as words other people can see. I put down my writing after high school because my writing was flat; the characters were limited, the dialogue stilted. I needed to live. So I did. Now I am working to make the time to write again, really write, and not make excuses not to.
It’s why I started blogging again; I needed to cut my teeth and get back into putting SOMETHING on paper, even if it’s all digital. To see if the engine would turn over, so to speak. I wrote some drafts, got really hung up on some critical commentary about my writing being… really purple and let it get to me. I regret that now; I used it as an excuse to stop. I’m going to try again in the next few weeks, we’ll see.
Interviewer: Speaking of the blog, what is it that you want your readers to take away from your work?
Me: I want people to know that they are valuable, worthy, and I hope take away something interesting and thought provoking. I’m not the authority on anything but my own fucking experiences and perspectives. I hope you enjoy what you read and it helps you either laugh, smile, think, or hell fart – anything is good man, it really is. Just know I’m never going to tell you how to live your life, just how I lived and saw mine.
Interviewer: There was one question from Facebook: “Who put the bomp, In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, Who put the ram, In the rama lama ding dong?” Do you have an answer for this question?
Me: Absolutely – Eris, the Greek Goddess did all of that. If that doesn’t explain it, I suggest consulting your local crone for further information. 😊
Let’s start off with a common situation: you are out of toothpaste. You go online or maybe even a brick and mortar store; your go-to toothpaste your Orthodontist turned you onto is flat out. Damn, those white crystals actually keep your teeth white! Okay, okay, don’t panic. What did you used to use? Yeah, plenty of that in stock; everyone still uses it from the commercials they run everywhere. Damn that is a catchy jingle, right? Into the cart it goes, you pay, and out into the world you go.
This practice is called (even if it’s just in my head) is Next Best Option – it’s what you do when you are seeking a particular vice, tool, product, or… yes, your love life. Ouch right? I know what you are thinking – that’s a hard sell, no one is really that callous? That we would just jump onto the next best option when it comes down to brushing our teeth? Keep that spare tube we bought when we were traveling just in case the one you prefer runs entirely out and you NEED to brush your teeth?
It comes from habit of convenience; it’s not something you deliberately desire or naturally would do given an objective hypothetical, but it happens in practical living. We live our lives, our frantic, maddening, crafted but riddled with chaos lives. In those lives, we find ourselves whipping around those hard corners of choice and end up death gripping the first thing we can manically latch onto. Distracted, trying to balance everything, our driving focus overrides sensibility and logic.
In the marketing world; there are ideally three products/services one weighs when considering options. The desired good, a superior good, or the inferior good. One can readily argue spectrum handsomely in this regard, but frequently those are the two ranges with the median being what you realistically want. The median option is often times one you settle for while stepping away from the inferior option but knowing that the superior option is either too expensive or too much for you.
Instead of attempting to sidestep the pending comparison of objectifying people; I’m going to drive right into it and call it out. It happens, constantly – attempting to deny or minimize it is a deliberate myopic action. But addressing it doesn’t mean, in my regard or in general, that we should condone it. Good fuck no; we NEED to start creating a deliberate point of separation in learned behavior. Such as friend zoning and “pocketing” potential partners and start treating one another with respect and kindness.
There it is, Friend-zoning. Dearie me, it’s a terrible place to be; isn’t it? The horrific reality is that it can happen out of consequence; we don’t deliberately put people there, but they wind up there anyways? Twisting in the wind outside your window, begging with their eyes for you to let them in so they can finally just love you, as you deserved to be loved. Never mind being in the friendzone itself. So close to your heart’s flame you can almost touch them but you can’t. Yet somehow you still burn and twist…
As I start to transition from the foundational work of the blog and into the meat and potatoes of my points, it’s fair to address why I had the indecency to drag Capitalism into this. As an individualist culture, we tend to focus on ourselves and our freedoms; whereas a collectivist society focus on the wellbeing of others first. An individualist culture, paired with the fossil fuel burning grade Capitalism, we tend to treat one another like transactions, if at all, while bustling through our busy lives.
Now that I’ve called us all out, and I do mean us because I know I have unfortunately done this as well, let’s look at ways to address, correct, and execute better methods in being better people, shall we?
Think of Others – A basic step into things but a deeply necessary one; we all breath unconsciously but it often takes a kick in the ass to breathe deeply, doesn’t it? It needs to be an active behavior pattern change; it doesn’t need to be constant but when dealing with someone, anyone, remember that they are on their own journeys and there is shit brewing in their heads that none of us, even possibly themselves, know is brewing there. Compassion first, please.
We meet a lot of interesting, attractive, funny, and downright sexy people all the time that we will be attracted to; whether we’re looking or not. And we’re going to meet a lot of people we do not desire or feel that pull to, either in a neutral or a negative way. Either way, we are not the transactions we carry out if we do meet in a necessity/circumstance fashion and should be treated with respect, regardless of what our hearts, groins, and wallets ask us to do.
Attraction should never be the basis of a friendship – Please stop right now and read that again. And once more again please, this time saying it aloud to yourself. I’m serious. This is the heart of friend-zoning, whether anyone or no one wants to admit it. You meet these charming people, these sweet souls, and you’ve gobsmacked them, whether you meant to or not. You don’t feel that pull of attraction, one way or another, but you like them, so you keep them.
The hard reality, one that I have just recently been firmly reminded of, is that you really need to have things in common with your friends to be friends. Something unfettered from romantic intentions or attraction of any nature to be able to hold things together. Shit even to have things to talk about that isn’t romantic relationship track material – there is a lot of grey areas there but some matters, like going on “platonic dates”, is very much not a grey area.
Always Be Communicating – I know, your first thought is that I was going to say always be talking, which I wanted to, but you get the gist. Again, with the obvious crap I know, but hear me out, it bears merit. You can overcommunicate easily, especially when matters of the heart and the ego get involved but it’s far better to get the “I get the point” message than to let things just slide or sit. Especially hope; delusional, wild hope, springs eternal. You need to be clear.
It goes back to first point – No, we are not truly responsible for what others think of us and what they feel of us when you grind down to it but it’s also a matter of humanity when address matters and not let fester. We’re tempestuous emotion sacks with charge cards; it doesn’t take much for us to get excited and go hog wild – we need boundaries, communication efforts, and continuously checking in with one another simply to make sure we’re all doing okay.
And they parted as Friends – if you do start dating someone and things don’t stick that way, you have to be objective about transitioning the relationship if that is what you two WANT to do. We tend to offer it as a default outcome when these things don’t work out and it should be an option; not a participation trophy. You personally and your soon to be former partner need ask yourselves and each other some really shitty questions and make sure it transitions clean:
First off, ask yourself: is this the kind of person you would normally be friends with if you two were not intimate? Please note I did not say, “having sex” because there is a LOT more intimacy in a relationship that sex. If you were just two people at the pub, would you hit it off as friends? Could you spend hours with this person in a non-intimate capacity and enjoy their company? Or would you struggle with finding something to talk about? It’s important to ask.
Second, if you do want to try friends – how much time is necessary for either party to feel ready? How can it be communicated? An email or something gentle is the best method in my mind, with both parties respecting the other’s need to process and deal with matters in their own way. It’s heart warming in the rom-coms when the underdog goes chasing after their heart’s desire and hold some big, show stopping stunt to get their attention but … in reality it can be really damaging and can ruin chances for either of you to be friends.
Naturally Third… Is there hope for an encore? Maybe it’s bad timing, maybe it’s not the right place, maybe there’s other matters at hand that must be addressed. Most of us have seen Love Actually so you get the gist. It’s very, very important that this potential outcome is addressed with some realism; maybe it’s not a good idea to try again. But maybe later on, it could be. Again being very clear and certain about this is vital for both/all parties involved.
Avoid the Hypergamy trap – Ah the ever present rush of building a life before it runs out on you yeah? I’m going to pin Capitalism down on this one AGAIN; though a collectivist society can readily if not worse, push this angle. Commerce is literally measured and driven on family units so we tend to push people down the life path really quickly and they end up settling fast and following the path given. I know this first-hand, it’s how my first marriage happened.
Look, we all know that it sucks telling family that you are taking your time and hormones are a bitch; but you need to be certain – know what you want, where you are in life, and where you want to go, and if anything in those statements are up in the air; tell your partner. Or potential partners. We end up waylaying each other in this rush to follow through and some really poor choices get made, even if they are the right choices – too soon is just that, too soon.
It’s okay to keep things casual, really – the last point/suggestion I want to wrap this blog post with is just that – it’s okay to keep things casual with partners or interests but you have to be straight up and honest with anyone involved. Don’t imply, don’t assume, and don’t leave people hanging. There’s a great John Mayer track about being in a state of constant change; we all have those moments. If you need to keep things loose and free, be honest about that.
It’s what keeps things stable and sane when you are in a relationship-free state; communication and expectations. No one wants to really put brakes on a good flow, I feel you, I really do – but talking about where the river is going isn’t damning it. If it does, then it is a good idea it’s happening that way because it was likely getting more serious than you were originally expecting. Stop, address, communicate, strategize, and take from there.
Well I hope this damn near 2000 word blog is beneficial!! It’s one of the sum of my experiences that I hope help a lot of people enjoy their lives sensibly and realistically and with little harm to themselves or others. Remember, we are not transactions nor toothpaste – we deserve to treat one another better than that. Until next week, thank you again for reading my Gilded Gibberish and be well!!
Then the morning came when the world wasn’t on fire.
I opened my bank account, which had become an essential but terrifying daily necessity, so I knew what sort of magic I needed to pull out of an empty pocket and … it was in the black and balanced. Bills were coming out, healthy income coming in, no massive gas spending or staggering overdrafts; just scheduled payments with income to manage them.
I got ready in the morning at a comfortable pace; I’m not flying all over my flat trying to find everything before I must fly right out the door. Do I have my eyeglasses? My headset? My lunch? Love from my partner? Yes? Alright then. That was easy. Now to walk 3 blocks to the trolley stop.
I rode my SEPTA trolley with docile relief, the only required action was simply to maintain balance and 3 to 4 points of contact in the moving platform I was pulled through time and space on. I get to just be chill and relaxed, keeping enough of an eye open for my stops so I don’t zone out and miss them. Listening to music and just being… chill.
I get to work, and my boss actually waves and smiles at me. He gets me up to speed on initiatives we are working on and tells how proud of his team he is, that we put our nose to grind stone to get it done. I get to my desk, prioritize everything, collaborate with our team, work with my counterpart Sarah, work is productive but overall a solid fit and pleasant.
I go home on the same route, all and all cutting almost an hour off my commute a day, on top of saving a couple hundred a month on the commute. Not to mention the surmounting stress and rage from 2+ hours of driving. My flat isn’t a crumbling mess that is eroded and dirty from voles (yes, voles) on top of overcrowded and poorly kept because all of the nonsense going on.
There is no drama in my home; no emotional fires to put out, no excessive neediness, nothing to lose hours on sound and fury amounting to nothing. It’s lived in but kept clean, orderly, and pleasant in many ways. We cook 85% of our food at home; no Wawa runs, no Chic-Fil-A – just, good, healthy meals, planned on a budget.
I tend to the pets, pick up my random junk, wash the clothes, put the dishes away that my wife has washed up and put in the rack. I do some yoga on our clean floor, a few exercises, and walk the dog after feeding the cat. My phone isn’t blowing up with nonsense; only my wife calls on her way home. Maybe a phone call from my Mother to make sure I’m still alive (she has been known to do this).
Life is everything I hoped it would be; it nearly took me 4 years to pull it off, but I have finally the life I sought when I moved to Philadelphia. Really I have the life I have spent my whole life attempting to bring together. If I was honest, it was closer to 13 to 15 years to get here but I’m here nonetheless.
I turned 40 six months ago. So strange.
I remember as a kid, looking forward and wondering what i was going to look like, what my life was going to look like. Was I going to look like Homer Simpson? Bumbling through his life, blinking blankly at responsibility, drinking to his way into numbness, doing his best to parent but never quite investing as much as he needed to; not if a show was on.
I wipe the mirror in the morning after my shower and look at the man I see in it. I used to draw this picture of a man when I was a wain; with a square jaw, a pony tail, steel grey eyes, the look of the world shown in those very eyes. I thought at first it was of someone else; as i was a lonely, skinny, hatchet-faced kid with little hope. This man was real, had truly lived, and was strong.
I wonder if I was drawing who I had hoped I would become. I can’t really say; life was challenging back then, I was just hoping to get out of my town of 1000 people and into the world. Find people who understood and desired me as I was, not for who I could be to them or what I represented. Seen as… me. I finally have that now, if nothing else, with my amazing spouse and partner.
I put on weight, there are definitely more lines on my face, and I do have some annoying aches I didn’t have when I was younger but I truly have no complaints. In many ways, despite my doubts in myself, I pulled it all off. So this is 40; this is where a lot of people say that real, true life that is yours begins. Well that is both sobering, wonderful, and frightening isn’t it?
Cheers to 40; for being not the monster I worried it would be, and for all the things it still stands to be. Cheers to the man in the mirror, to the voice I know as home now, and the life I have fought so hard to have. Cheers to all of those who have stuck with me on my crazy ass journeys and cheers to all of those who will continue forward with me. Thank you all so much!
I’ve turned the whole New Year’s Resolutions scene on its head and will just observe goals to Resolve – parts of my life to focus on and continuously improve with the intention of setting specific goals as I go. It will avoid burn out, the address the disenfranchisement that comes with goals being missed, and in general be a lot more flexible. I’m tried of getting into March and I’ve given up the ghost so to speak! Heh.
1. Heal Thyself Physician: Having an exercise goal is thoughtful but I need to be more realistic and change the entire mentality on this. I need to treat my whole self, my body, my mind, my heart, and my emotions. Just doing one section leaves me unbalanced if I just focus on one part of me. This means exercising frequently, mediation just as much, self check-ins, and not pushing myself when I need a moment.
2. Be my authentic self – oh boy this will be a fun one. I dedicated myself up being more honest last year and it was beneficial; this is the next step. It goes beyond being honest and into being truthful – to me, that’s putting all the cards out there when needed, not just what needs to be said. Not EXACTLY my preference or my strong suit but I need to step up and see this through.
3. For real, get out more – Due to some shitty past experiences, I have a natural tendency these days to hide out at home. It’s a lot easier since my home life is no longer a stressful experience, quite the opposite these days, so I just work and stay put. I need to get out more and I know it so I will be working on doing so on a regular basis – ADVENTURE! 😃
4. Standing up for myself – I’m notorious for being a knock over and having permeable boundaries; this needs to change. I want to firm up my resolve but do so tastefully; I have no desire to flip into an asshole in some loose obtensable action to be more… Firm. Sheesh, no, let’s not do that. But being less assertive to avoid confrontation is almost as terrible – if it needs to be said, say it with class and say it well. That’s decidedly a needed change.
5. Take it the fuck easy – I’m also notorious for being way too uptight these days. I need to remember that I am an ethical hedonist; I’m supposed to enjoy life to it’s fullest – not RUN life to it’s fullest. I’ll leave my mechanical self at work where it does it’s designs best, I need to remember to chill, breathe, and relax more. I think I will start to really cherish my contentment a lot more when I stop frantically death gripping it. 😉
There it is folks! I’m hoping this approach sticks and continues throughout the year, thank you for your support!!!
Gilded Gibberish. 