A blog about kids from a child-free family (you do not have to have kids to be a family).

Oh I’ve been talking about writing this blog forever and I think it’s about time that I did. 

It’s been kicking around in my head for months now and I’ve written about three drafts on it to get the wording right.  Kids are a sensitive subject in many ways; for people who have them, for those who want them and can’t, to those who are just sick of them, for those who want their kids to have kids!  Just kids man! KIDS! BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN INDEED!

First off; Kids are great – They are, we have them for a reason as a species.  They are adorable, they can be really fun, they will amaze the crap out of you while ruining your house, and many of us are socially and biologically engineered to want to have them.  The desire to have children is not remotely lost on me personally, despite the personal desire to not raise one or more myself.  I get it, I really do; genetic longevity, a sense of purpose and meaning, an excuse to not go out if you want it – total package!

One of the reasons I’m finally writing this piece is that so many of my friends are pregnant or have recently had children.  I honestly wish everyone who wanted kids could both have them and be in the right position to raise a family; emotionally, socially, financially, mentally, and physically.  Few things make me smile than watching my friends proudly show their children on social media and how happy life is with said kids in it.  It is a kind of joy that is utterly unique and special; very little is even close to it.

So why write a blog about kids?  Very good question!  Aren’t I off simply enjoying a child-free life?  Touring the globe, staying up very late at night doing whatever I want, drinking at 11 in the morning on a Tuesday, and laughing at all my sucker parent friends?  Fuck no, that’s shallow as shit; my parent friends are awesome and I adore them – I’m writing this blog for three things – the topic of children in general, how as a society we treat non-parents, and positive examples that I have seen in popular culture that I feel are really good parenting styles.

I have no desire to hate on kids or parenting; it’s not an oxymoron – you can enjoy your friends having kids and even kids to a fault and still desire and/or need to be living a childfree lifestyle.  I’m going to get into that, especially my personal circumstance, here in a little bit once we finish the load in so I have your expectations properly set.  This blog is about positivity, perspective, and understanding – parents aren’t idiots for having kids and non-parents aren’t selfish bastards for not having kids; so we’re clear.

Duty of Care regarding reproductive topics – Let’s just dive in.  There are a few points I’m going to address on this front as it gets really messy when kids get involved.  As previously stated, we have kids for a reason, but it is not an excuse to be unruly shits to each other.  I will elaborate:

Stop randomly touching pregnant women – The miracle of life is damn right amazing, isn’t it?  Some of us do not take the topic well and others simply won’t stop talking about it.  That’s fine, that is what makes us different!  But for the love of everything, just because there is a baby on board doesn’t mean you can treat a woman’s body like it’s a car you are admiring so please stop just randomly touching them.  If you want to make contact with growing life, address the person growing that life.  You don’t randomly pet people’s pets and you should never just touch a woman’s belly because she is carrying a kid/multiple kids.  It’s like the reproductive equivalent of “my eyes are up here” regarding breasts; yes we have a hormonal response but we need to control ourselves.  Get consent or just keep your hands to yourself.

Child Free isn’t Child Less – Many people forget that non-parents really break down into two groups; those of us who have deliberately chosen not to have kids, and those of us who CAN’T have kids.  There is a stark, stark difference.  Child Free families are families operating on their chosen terms, childless are dealing with not being able to live to their terms.  I know lots of couples that *desperately* want kids and it’s just not an option one way or another.  It’s tragic and I genuinely feel for them; especially families who have to endure miscarriages.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone; my heart goes out to anyone who’s ever had to deal with that kind of loss.

I’m making a point of this distinction because you shouldn’t assume one is the other.  You can’t give comfort to a child less family about the benefits of being child free because it is pressing hard on a deep emotional bruise.  And conversely you should assume that someone who doesn’t have kids must have something wrong with them.  There is a social assumption that everyone wants kids and we need to full on stop observing this assumption as it’s inconsiderate and frankly very tasteless – let people be people man, it’s not hard.

Yes, it is rude to ask if someone is having kids – Oh heavens; where to go on this one.  I got asked once in the middle of a business meeting at one of my old roles if I was having kids.  This experience will never leave me because I was so shocked how out of hand it was.  I’ve been prodded by family members, gently and semi-roughly asked by friends, and it’s always bothersome.  We have a duty of care to respect each other’s boundaries and this is a big one.  No, you do not have a right to inquire if someone is having kids unless you yourself are in a situation where it’s an important question, like someone you are having a lifetime commitment with. Then you absolutely should talk about it and be expressly clear.

I’m sure there is some unique situation where you would have to ask such a question but the best I can come up with is in regards to a real estate agent, a lawyer, and perhaps your insurance agent but all of those need to know for professional services.  Co-workers, family members, even friends do not need to know if you are planning to have kids.  Period.  Having kids should be a free and clear choice, not one that you get pressured into one way or another.  If you want to talk about it, it’s one thing but no one has a right to make you answer this.

So, you aren’t having kids yourself? – Despite this topic point being deliciously ironic, I’m freely offering this information if nothing else to prove a few points but also because I want to be open and public about this topic.  I feel it gives perspective on both the validity of this particular blog post and a deeper understanding of my personal perspective.  People chose to have kids for various reasons and they chose not to have kids for various reasons as well.  I don’t think there is a default answer or rationale for this, I think it’s different for everyone and want to encourage this opinion to be circulated and pondered.

I was encouraged as many were, either directly or indirectly, to have kids.  “Oh some day you will have kids and you will understand my perspective” is a line I heard a lot growing up.   Sure, having kids, being a parent, changes your perspective and your behaviors.  You are not the same person the second after you learn you are a parent, whether it is a blessing or a concern.  I do not know what that feels like but I have had enough experiences and observations enough to see the change happen.

To a certain extent, it wasn’t a choice per se for me but yet it was.  I had an incredibly challenging childhood that shattered my self-image internally so brutally that the idea of reproducing was ripped from my psyche.  I am not going to get into detail on what happened, please just know it was circumstantial and is done now.  If there was a circuit breaker for wiring and fuses for this instinct, you would open mine up and it would be empty.  I had not realized how badly my self-image was damaged until I was sobering up at a diner after a beer festival (alone) and a young mother sat down with two boys at a booth next to me.  I am crying as I’m writing this so please bear with me.

It unnerved me to my naked soul that I was in their presence; that the abomination I knew as myself was marring them as their transfixed eyes openly took me in.  If I could have fled into the void at that very moment to spare them, I might have.  I was not in a good place when it happened emotionally but I’m glad it did because it helped me understand the breadth of my emotional trauma.  I had gone to therapy many times and though the topic of kids came up, I never knew WHY I just didn’t have the desire to reproduce; just that I didn’t. 

To finish the story, I did my damndest to be as chill and together as possible, eat my food, left a good tip, and wander into the night.  I honestly don’t think anyone thought anything of me, other than perhaps I was a bit drunk but otherwise harmless.  I sobered up in my car (key NOT in the ignition) and drove home that night.  My reaction was wildly emotional and unrealistic but very, very present and intense.  I was filled with shame, sadness, and sobbed on and off the rest of the night to get it out of my system.

Now that was the underlying reason I didn’t desire to have kids; the choice to not have them was an entirely different matter.  Clearly I had psychological issues that I have dealt with since discovering them but I still chose not to have kids.  One of the reasons I had this emotional trauma was also why I chose not to have kids; I was born with crippling ADHD and two mental disorders – memory recall issues and a strong math deficiency.  I was told by some nice social workers once that I should strong consider disability because they didn’t think I would be able to be a functional adult.

Since it’s me, I took that as a challenge and not as good advice.  I spent much of my young adult life getting myself sorted out because society still treated ADHD (and is still struggling with it) as a behavioral disorder and not say a mental reconfiguration that is simply non-neurotypical versus a deficit (yes, I know it’s in the term but it’s one of the things I hope some day we address).  I spent many nights, weeks, month, years, getting my shit together to finally BE a reasonable adult.  I’m finally here now, in my forties, and I’m very proud to be the man I am today.

I chose not to have kids for two reasons; I have genetic concerns regarding the health of my children since my father has MS and a laundry list of life-threatening concerns my family has been taxed with.  I’m not getting into them, it’s extensive.  I’m happy to just still be alive at this point myself.  But I also chose not to have kids because I knew that due to my delayed maturity into adulthood and lack of a reasonable foundation that would lead to a fast-track career, I couldn’t afford kids before I was in a part of my life where these genetic concerns would be severe on top of other late life reproduction concerns.

To be crystal clear, I do not regret nor feel that I’m missing anything by making this choice.  I know it was the “right” choice if there ever could be one for my life choices and was necessary.  I’m sharing this part of my life so I hope that people realize that non-parents chose not to have kids for reasons beyond selfish ones.  And honestly, if people want not to be parents because don’t want to have kids, that’s a fair reason – we are not a species in a place that’s risking extinction; we will be okay.

So what about this parenting advice you were talking about? – YES!  I have some positive examples of what I personally view as positive parenting that I want to pass along to my readers who are parents.  This is in no way an authoritative consideration; I am, at best, sharing what I view as positive parenting that if I was a child again, would appreciate as a parenting perspective.  I’ll do my best to not spoil any plot related content, so I apologize in advance if I do so.

Compassion despite Disruption – If you are a fan of Bob’s Burgers, you already know that Bob and Linda are, at their very heart, unconventional parents who genuinely want what is best for their kids.  Though there are drawbacks and concerns about growing up in a restaurant as a kid (as you see for Bob when he was younger in the show in a few episodes), I think it would be an incredibly unique situation. 

In one-episode Tina, the eldest daughter, gets rather upset over a boy and starts crying at the dinner table.  Her siblings razz her a little bit, Bob and Linda ask what’s wrong, Tina starts to boil over and, in her embarrassment, literally grabs a handful of spaghetti (with meat sauce) and runs off to her room.  Linda nudges Bob to check on her so he goes and does so.  It’s been a long day and he’s tired but he has the parenting moment he knows he should (and wants to) have.

The beautiful moment is the compassion (albeit awkward but that’s just Bob) that Bob shows to Tina.  Even for her this is wildly out of frame but he talks with her.  He doesn’t bring up the fact that she drug food back with her and is currently cradling it against her chest and messing up her bedspread.  Instead he talks things out with her, gives her advice, and, in a power parenting moment, askes if she wants a handful of ice cream when she’s done with her spaghetti to help soothe her emotions.

The fact that he chose to address Tina and her current strife over being upset over the mess she was making is an impressive parenting moment.  Clothes, carpets, and food can be cleaned/replaced – being the parent that your children need in that moment cannot be replaced or ‘cleaned’ up.

You will never be Alone – One of the most touching things I’ve ever heard was my friend Jada saying that she always wants her kids to know that they can always turn to her and always come home if they need to.  From what I understand, there are several moments, especially when you are simply trying to use the rest room, that your children will not leave you be.  Personal space just stops happening for a while there and you get used to it.  Conceptually it is quite endearing but I can see how it would be trying! ❤

One of the examples I have seen on a deep, thankfully rare situation happens in Paddington Bear 2.  If you are unfamiliar with the story, it is about a British family that adopts a talking bear that they find at Paddington station and name him after it.  The book series is priceless and the two movies made are beyond phenomenal, I can’t recommend them enough for families to watch, I own both proudly.  The Browns, who adopt Paddington, end up having interesting lives afterwards but quite love one another.

At one point in the 2^nd movie, Paddington is lured into a trap and after a series of intense twists, finds himself not only deeply underwater but also firmly secured inside of a locked circus car.  Mrs. Brown dives in after him and it is rapidly discerned that he is locked in, there’s no way either of them can free him – he will drown.  Mrs. Brown reaches through the bars of the circus railcar, firmly holds his hand, and refuses to let ago.  A moment passes, Paddington tries to push her away, she just shakes her head.

You understand in this moment that Mrs. Brown will not abandon her ‘child’, even an adopted one, and will, if necessary, die along with him so he will not alone die.  This is a realization that hits me so hard every time I think of it (even now) that I start bawling uncontrollably.  It gently moves aside the concept of dying for someone to hold the line so daringly it looks the mortal fear of dying alone firmly in the eye and tells it that you will not stand for it.  Things turn out okay, so please don’t worry if you haven’t seen it – they are really fun, beautiful movies.

Though I feel that telling your children this every day would lose it’s gravity, I also feel it’s important that your children know that you will always be there for them, even in their last moments, if they need you.

Fighting for your Kids, not with them – Finally (because I could probably spend all day talking about examples) it is an example I have recently seen (and likely so have many others).  In the special “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards – A Schitt’s Creek Farewell” (which also makes me cry happily as well and I am not ashamed for shit for it, I enjoy being a masculine male who embraces their feelings), members of the cast read a thank you letter from an LGBTQ+ Support group of Mothers of LGBTQ+ children and how deeply touched and relieved that their children are respected and given positive representation.  As you can imagine, in the process of reading the letter, the cast all melt on the spot and are deeply humble.

I get that it’s very hard – I can’t imagine having kids and not having, to some extent, some kind of expectation.  Culture, personality, behavior and spiritual choices; these are things that we build around each other to try and continue our values.  I have always appreciated parents who have been able to step back and just be FASCINATED about how their children become their own selves before them and I can imagine it would be challenging to see them become something that you were not expecting.

I also feel that parents should take on the world the way that Philadelphia fought back when the Flyers announced that their mascot was some crazed orange 6 foot maniac named “Gritty.”  You may be confused, shocked, not certain what exactly is going on but when someone starts in on your kid, you drop (maybe throw) down what you are doing and you get up in their face (metaphorically speaking I hope).  Back to what Jada said, I know she implied (and has stated in other comments) that she would not stand to have her kids messed with and is their first champion if they need her. I appreciate the hell out of any parent that takes a part of their children(s) personality and makes it a cause that they fight for – it’s just so beautiful.

Again, I feel that telling your kids daily that you would go to bat for them if they need you would get excessive but hey, better that they know it without a doubt, right?  They need to know that you will love, support, appreciate, and be proud of them regardless of how they grow, change, and become their own people.

In closing (if I still have readers with me, thank you for sticking around!), I honestly believe parenting is one of the most noble things a person can do and I respect anyone who is a parent or a parent figure for a kid.  I also feel that there is no shame in choosing not to be a parent (if you have not had children; don’t deadbeat man – you helped bring them in, you need to step up, and own a presence in their lives).  I hope this blog helps understand the perspective of a non-parent and some of the choices we make both as friends and family members to one another and people in general.  Especially the kids.

Cheers!

D.