Let’s start off with a common situation:  you are out of toothpaste.  You go online or maybe even a brick and mortar store; your go-to toothpaste your Orthodontist turned you onto is flat out.  Damn, those white crystals actually keep your teeth white!  Okay, okay, don’t panic.  What did you used to use?  Yeah, plenty of that in stock; everyone still uses it from the commercials they run everywhere.  Damn that is a catchy jingle, right?  Into the cart it goes, you pay, and out into the world you go.

This practice is called (even if it’s just in my head) is Next Best Option – it’s what you do when you are seeking a particular vice, tool, product, or… yes, your love life.  Ouch right?  I know what you are thinking – that’s a hard sell, no one is really that callous?  That we would just jump onto the next best option when it comes down to brushing our teeth?  Keep that spare tube we bought when we were traveling just in case the one you prefer runs entirely out and you NEED to brush your teeth?

It comes from habit of convenience; it’s not something you deliberately desire or naturally would do given an objective hypothetical, but it happens in practical living.  We live our lives, our frantic, maddening, crafted but riddled with chaos lives.  In those lives, we find ourselves whipping around those hard corners of choice and end up death gripping the first thing we can manically latch onto.  Distracted, trying to balance everything, our driving focus overrides sensibility and logic.

In the marketing world; there are ideally three products/services one weighs when considering options.  The desired good, a superior good, or the inferior good. One can readily argue spectrum handsomely in this regard, but frequently those are the two ranges with the median being what you realistically want.  The median option is often times one you settle for while stepping away from the inferior option but knowing that the superior option is either too expensive or too much for you.

Instead of attempting to sidestep the pending comparison of objectifying people; I’m going to drive right into it and call it out.  It happens, constantly – attempting to deny or minimize it is a deliberate myopic action.  But addressing it doesn’t mean, in my regard or in general, that we should condone it.  Good fuck no; we NEED to start creating a deliberate point of separation in learned behavior.  Such as friend zoning and “pocketing” potential partners and start treating one another with respect and kindness.

There it is, Friend-zoning.  Dearie me, it’s a terrible place to be; isn’t it?  The horrific reality is that it can happen out of consequence; we don’t deliberately put people there, but they wind up there anyways?  Twisting in the wind outside your window, begging with their eyes for you to let them in so they can finally just love you, as you deserved to be loved.  Never mind being in the friendzone itself.  So close to your heart’s flame you can almost touch them but you can’t.  Yet somehow you still burn and twist…

As I start to transition from the foundational work of the blog and into the meat and potatoes of my points, it’s fair to address why I had the indecency to drag Capitalism into this.  As an individualist culture, we tend to focus on ourselves and our freedoms; whereas a collectivist society focus on the wellbeing of others first.  An individualist culture, paired with the fossil fuel burning grade Capitalism, we tend to treat one another like transactions, if at all, while bustling through our busy lives.

Now that I’ve called us all out, and I do mean us because I know I have unfortunately done this as well, let’s look at ways to address, correct, and execute better methods in being better people, shall we?

Think of Others – A basic step into things but a deeply necessary one; we all breath unconsciously but it often takes a kick in the ass to breathe deeply, doesn’t it? It needs to be an active behavior pattern change; it doesn’t need to be constant but when dealing with someone, anyone, remember that they are on their own journeys and there is shit brewing in their heads that none of us, even possibly themselves, know is brewing there.  Compassion first, please.

We meet a lot of interesting, attractive, funny, and downright sexy people all the time that we will be attracted to; whether we’re looking or not.  And we’re going to meet a lot of people we do not desire or feel that pull to, either in a neutral or a negative way.  Either way, we are not the transactions we carry out if we do meet in a necessity/circumstance fashion and should be treated with respect, regardless of what our hearts, groins, and wallets ask us to do.

Attraction should never be the basis of a friendship – Please stop right now and read that again. And once more again please, this time saying it aloud to yourself.  I’m serious.  This is the heart of friend-zoning, whether anyone or no one wants to admit it.  You meet these charming people, these sweet souls, and you’ve gobsmacked them, whether you meant to or not.  You don’t feel that pull of attraction, one way or another, but you like them, so you keep them.

The hard reality, one that I have just recently been firmly reminded of, is that you really need to have things in common with your friends to be friends.  Something unfettered from romantic intentions or attraction of any nature to be able to hold things together.  Shit even to have things to talk about that isn’t romantic relationship track material – there is a lot of grey areas there but some matters, like going on “platonic dates”, is very much not a grey area.

Always Be Communicating – I know, your first thought is that I was going to say always be talking, which I wanted to, but you get the gist. Again, with the obvious crap I know, but hear me out, it bears merit.  You can overcommunicate easily, especially when matters of the heart and the ego get involved but it’s far better to get the “I get the point” message than to let things just slide or sit.  Especially hope; delusional, wild hope, springs eternal.  You need to be clear.

It goes back to first point – No, we are not truly responsible for what others think of us and what they feel of us when you grind down to it but it’s also a matter of humanity when address matters and not let fester.  We’re tempestuous emotion sacks with charge cards; it doesn’t take much for us to get excited and go hog wild – we need boundaries, communication efforts, and continuously checking in with one another simply to make sure we’re all doing okay.

And they parted as Friends – if you do start dating someone and things don’t stick that way, you have to be objective about transitioning the relationship if that is what you two WANT to do. We tend to offer it as a default outcome when these things don’t work out and it should be an option; not a participation trophy.   You personally and your soon to be former partner need ask yourselves and each other some really shitty questions and make sure it transitions clean:

First off, ask yourself: is this the kind of person you would normally be friends with if you two were not intimate?   Please note I did not say, “having sex” because there is a LOT more intimacy in a relationship that sex.  If you were just two people at the pub, would you hit it off as friends?  Could you spend hours with this person in a non-intimate capacity and enjoy their company?  Or would you struggle with finding something to talk about?  It’s important to ask.

Second, if you do want to try friends – how much time is necessary for either party to feel ready?  How can it be communicated?  An email or something gentle is the best method in my mind, with both parties respecting the other’s need to process and deal with matters in their own way.  It’s heart warming in the rom-coms when the underdog goes chasing after their heart’s desire and hold some big, show stopping stunt to get their attention but … in reality it can be really damaging and can ruin chances for either of you to be friends.

Naturally Third… Is there hope for an encore?  Maybe it’s bad timing, maybe it’s not the right place, maybe there’s other matters at hand that must be addressed.  Most of us have seen Love Actually so you get the gist.  It’s very, very important that this potential outcome is addressed with some realism; maybe it’s not a good idea to try again.  But maybe later on, it could be.  Again being very clear and certain about this is vital for both/all parties involved.

Avoid the Hypergamy trap – Ah the ever present rush of building a life before it runs out on you yeah? I’m going to pin Capitalism down on this one AGAIN; though a collectivist society can readily if not worse, push this angle.  Commerce is literally measured and driven on family units so we tend to push people down the life path really quickly and they end up settling fast and following the path given.  I know this first-hand, it’s how my first marriage happened.

Look, we all know that it sucks telling family that you are taking your time and hormones are a bitch; but you need to be certain – know what you want, where you are in life, and where you want to go, and if anything in those statements are up in the air; tell your partner.  Or potential partners.  We end up waylaying each other in this rush to follow through and some really poor choices get made, even if they are the right choices – too soon is just that, too soon.

It’s okay to keep things casual, really – the last point/suggestion I want to wrap this blog post with is just that – it’s okay to keep things casual with partners or interests but you have to be straight up and honest with anyone involved. Don’t imply, don’t assume, and don’t leave people hanging.  There’s a great John Mayer track about being in a state of constant change; we all have those moments.  If you need to keep things loose and free, be honest about that.

It’s what keeps things stable and sane when you are in a relationship-free state; communication and expectations.  No one wants to really put brakes on a good flow, I feel you, I really do – but talking about where the river is going isn’t damning it.  If it does, then it is a good idea it’s happening that way because it was likely getting more serious than you were originally expecting.  Stop, address, communicate, strategize, and take from there.

Well I hope this damn near 2000 word blog is beneficial!!  It’s one of the sum of my experiences that I hope help a lot of people enjoy their lives sensibly and realistically and with little harm to themselves or others.  Remember, we are not transactions nor toothpaste – we deserve to treat one another better than that.  Until next week, thank you again for reading my Gilded Gibberish and be well!!

D.